Fortress of The Muslim - a recent reading

Therefore remember Me I will remember you and be grateful to Me and do not reject faith. (Al-Baqarh: 152)

And bring your Lord to remembrance in your (very) soul with humility and remember without loudness in words, in the mornings and evenings and be not of those who are unheedful. (Al- Araaf: 205)

Ya Allah, place light within my heart, and light upon my tongue, and light within my ears and light within my eyes, and place behind me, light and in front of me light and beneath me light. O Allah, bestow upon me light. ( Supplication when going to the mosque)

poetry

there's is no better writings to describe beauties.
the essence of composing one's poem was always satisfying.
to describe your heart within words,
in a form of arts~~

undone

what's been in the past cannot be undone no matter how painful
it was and it were to be to us.
to me.
it was never in my power to live the life many people had,
to have as many friends,
to have wonderful
and cherished memories during the teen's life.
no, it was never made as my choice,
and i wasn't even given a choice.
here i am in the middle of the night babbling myself
all the way into the deep night,
but pretty sure no one would read this,
nor understand every single word that i meant.
it's okay,
this is just a perfect place to let my heart out,
to let it all out,
the anguish, the pain,
the confusedness that i had all these years.
my life is now, and tomorrow,
i shouldn't dwell in the past,
i shouldn't even think about it.
but sometimes things just trigger you out.
i absolutely hate that.
get away please,
please get away my mental picture.
it was something that i have lost years ago,
i shouldn't be dwelling on it.
you are all not important to me,
like i am
like me, who appears to be
non-existent to you all.

bad bad day

yesterday was such a bad day..
first of all i practically, unconsciously, involuntarily slept off
in front of our lecturer, while he was giving off his lecture!
and the worst thing was, i was at the front row,
and it happened for two lecture in a row.
such a shameful act!!!!
it's not that i'm bored, but i guess i am just too tired
with the schedule being so bloody packed
i couldn't hold my eyes open anymore..
i tried slapping myself * inconspicuously of course, chewing candies,
but the sleepiness won't go..
in the end i heard a voice behind of me waking me up..
and the dread crept to me as i opened my eyes,
and came in contact eye to eye with the lecturer, literally!!
oh my God.. i feel like my whole body panicked with shame..
i think i should do apologize.
then, came the evening.
we were supposed to be at the lab for instrument inventory..
the rules in the lab was to wear your white coat,
closed shoes and definitely not t-shirts as in the case in front of the matron and
the staff nurse..
i totally forgot to change my shoes (wearing the dots CROCS) and i also wore t-shirt cause i thought no one would notice as my lab coat was huge * it should be covering all.
and there he came trotting to me, giving me this look,
and smugly asked for my name and my matrix no.
what the hell??
my day just turned out to be depressing..
sigh..
what a day for the semester start. huh.
definitely gonna behave from now.

the ordinary beauty

it could be the blue sky.
the white clouds.
the moon, the sun, the stars..
flowers, morning dews, leaves turning colors..
why do i called them ordinary beauty?
because they are beautiful, regardless the constant everyday presence that might have become an ordinary cycle within our short lives.
how these beauties inspires songs, poetry, philosophy, perception, senses, love..
most of all, how they shaped us, in the mind, in the heart and soul, at the very core of our being, how God has granted us the prove of His Power, Kindness, Love and Wisdom and everything of human not capable of.
the ordinary beauty of the galaxies, the green grass, the vast fields, the trees..
the scents in the air, humans, of the greatest creation of His, The Almighty..

why he gives us all these proof, existence?
to find the truth. to know the truth.
to learn. to live.
to cherish. to protect.
to find wisdom.
as a little boy gazes upon the wide vast of the skies, one would wonder what kind of thoughts there might be there, inside beyond the child's eyes?
i would say, awe.
and a longing to fly, to fly there.. to reach there and touch the clouds.. to breath the air of the skies..
and it is not impossible, no, an ordinary person can do it.
we have been created with flaws and imperfections, and we don't need to chase the perfection. but the chase towards improving being better was never a question, it could be in so many ways, thousands of ways, we can be poor, so we worked day and night to chase our dreams, if this little boy thinks he's too small for the skies, then forever there will be no one to invent the planes.
he'll grow during the chase. he'll learn.
perfection is achieved when we cease chasing it.
the ultimate goal was to give yourself a run, a run for the sky, for the moon, for everything that mattered, i cannot wait for anything.
and if it means crashing down, falling, losing, going down, drowning, sacrificing, it means there's a lot to learn that life was not intended for comfort and simplicity only.
i love the sky. so i'm going to fly to it.
i love the moon, so i'll find myself the ladder to climb.
and i love the people whom love me best, so if it means loving them back without questions, i will be at peace.

so this is how i shaped myself.
this is what my father taught me that when he said there is nothing easy in this life.
when my mother struggled day and night and she won. she is at peace, insya Allah.
when a friend told me that i cannot wait for that perfection to come to be something, to give something more out of myself.
i am a selfish, arrogant, egoistic person, and when i found that if i hadn't taken the risk, the road less traveled, i would have never learned the gifts of life.

life..life..life.. that is not all it. there is also death. so why not i live a good life to have an honorary death.
there so much to do, so much to learn new.. so much to be, so so much more..
even if this has to start from scratch

ugly reflection

1. COLD
2. EGOISTIC
3. PREJUDICED
4. JUDGMENTAL
5. HYPOCRITE
6. LIAR
7. BAD MOUTHED
8. UNFAITHFUL
9. EMOTIONAL
10 UNSTABLE
11 MOOD SWING
12 DIFFICULT
13 AMBITIOUS
14 LUSTFUL
15 INSANE
16 PSYCHOTIC

wonder who have all these and how to fix all these. must be hard

song for the waiting

There's no straight road
Tonight to take me home
To lay me in my lover's bed
There's no good way
Tonight to make me okay
No voice to calm
My rainy head

It's not the road
It's not the miles
Or being alone
That tells my heart
She should be aching
The danger's in
The danger's in
The danger's in the waiting

I see my life well rehearsed
And it bores my mind
It's like a show
I've seen a thousand times before
I see my life in reverse and it scares me inside
I see all the ways
I should be giving more

The night is warm but lonely
I should be crawling in
You're fast asleep but I am waiting

The days are so unholy
You make me right again
The night is long
I'll be waiting

how each words is realistic.. its a lovely song

senior-junior status

i don't understand what's wrong with some people
who thinks they can judge someone just because of age difference and junior-senior status?
it's crap that you have to establish that borderline when in real,
in Islam we were taught of something called Ukhwah and Respect.
if you want respect you have to gain it.
of course as an older sister we would respect you that's nature
but when the boundaries are crossed
we're not puppets left hanging to be played like a dump.
this thing may be caused by only one person
but i would like to notify anyone out there who sincerely believe that
a junior must respect the seniors, tell me,
in what way and how do you deserve that?
i may not be knowledgeable about sisterhood in Islam but i know
that respect comes from trust and not foul words or angry stares
or bad words behind our back.

the present and the future: chapter unknown

i have this fear.
it's not the fear of failing that consume me,
i strongly believes in order to be better than before,
failing is one of a great way to go,
but learning from it is very important.
i don't mean that i would make myself failed my exams
just to experience the failing effect and the consequences after.
i always put my almost best in pursuit,
and this time i feel that i am doing my best,
but i still could feel a hole is missing,
and it is still not enough.
i am not scared of failing.
but i'm scared of being left behind,
by my friends.
it's hard enough to maintain friendship while we're
still on the same road,
to maintain it again when we're in two different path,
now that would be a challenge.
and i am afraid of my shame and pride.
my pride will be bruised.
now that is an issue i fear to face.
Ya Allah help me,
You are the Only that have the power to give
knowledge, success and victory.
amin, please pray for me,
family, friends.

blue sky

revolving-constantly
as if you, the center of my universe
you seemed to complete
the half part of me
the blue sky
of serene beauty
soothes,
silent, still.
as i move-but never away
i was,
am always are close
the blue sky
that spread up
of this little world
above the small little me.
i am the white cloud
perfection
of the color of your existence
i am the shape
entertaining
your faithful sight?
i am the soft cotton
in your bed of blue sky.
the companion of your solitude scene.
the picture that completes you.
i am the white cloud
small significance
of your existence.

my almost perfect masterpiece.
i hope it is.

my baby sister

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
Her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
That comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
She's a little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

"dear baby if you read this, you've grown so big..
i can't control you anymore, but i always wanted the best for you.
i remember you as my little sister, young and innocent and did nothing wrong.
but you're old enough to make your own mistake,
but i hope when you feel like doing something wrong,
and you did it,
just remember i'm here for you.
i'm your sister who will be with you to fix any broken part
and to be with you when you learned your lesson.
just don't go beyond where you cannot return,
because then, i'll lose you,
and i can't help you anymore.
remember me everytime you feel so.

love,
your sister K.Daya

determination: the present chapter V

i am going to write.
and write endlessly.
i shouldn't bury my passion for the life i am
having now.
no, one day i'll fulfill this dream of mine.
this beautiful dream of endless addiction.
wait.

thank you

the harder you're hit
the harder you throw your words to me.
the greater you shut yourself.
denying your faults or whatever reasoning you have.
it's almost impossible to handle.
and yeah, i guess i am not strong enough
to handle you who just so hard to bent.
so it's okay you can laugh at me.
insult me if you want.
call me the scared little girl.
call me anything, but i know i'm happy.
you're happy, nothing is bounded.
i'm free.
you're free, end of story.
haha.
sometimes, i just hate you.
and damn, i just wish it's enough to not love you.

stop.

and so i am just tired being the morbid emo me.
it's time for a change.
i want to stop concerning myself with why i am not a friend
like everyone was to you girls.
i'm tired of crying my eyes out, thinking that something is wrong with me.
i don't want to be selfish, but i am to be selfish.
starting.
from.
now.
if being a loner was my fate after all so be it.
it's way better than chasing approval or groups.

an attempt

a soft cradle between arms,
a beating rushes the warmth
into her eyes.
she stares into the soft vast
of flooding tranquility.
slowly unfolding wordless truth.
as she stare
into those eyes
she saw nothing more
but more, of more
of love.

the past,present and future: chapter II

i guess i a am selfish.
greedy with very high expectations.
i already have enough.
a great man.
the best of friends you can have.
then, what else do i wanted?
it always seem to be never ending.
the edge where you kept pushing yourself to have more.
and it just kept hurting not only me, but the people around.
so i thought it's for the greater good.
for the so called-understanding and happiness.
does it?
was honesty really the best policy after all?
my honesty does not seem so.
i always wanted to keep my stand on things that i believe were true.
i guess my ego was the worst crash landing i adopted.
it's not good.
and it still hangs in the air.
and in the present, life seems not so beautiful anymore.

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Now playing: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
via FoxyTunes

the past,present and future: chapter I

if it takes listening to dangdut's hetty koes endang to remember and feel closer to my mother, that's what i'll do. i miss her so much and i wish so badly to remember every inch of her every single day of my life. if only my memory is not so weak..
i miss her, i miss her so much. i feel so sad watching my friends, having their mother calling them everyday. a mother to attend their sick day. their happy day. a mother to hug on graduation day. a mother to cry on when you feel so troubled.
i wish i had that part of life. but i don't. it's in the past now. never be the present. never will happen in the future.